|
Dementians_kiss
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Pattysaurus
Location: Saginaw, Michigan, United States
Birthday: 3/25/1990
Gender: Male
Interests: ~Music all the way!
~Friends are everything
~Acting
~Danceing
r~eading
~Wrighting
~Drawing
~Painting
~BOYZ
~And Just hanging out with my FRIENDZ
= )
Expertise: I think I have good stories and songs. I like to "pre-tend" i can draw. I can listen to what ppl have to say and help them the best I can with whats happening.
~*BOOKS U Have to READ*~
I was a teenage fairy.
Baby Bee-bop.
Dangerous angels.
Luna.
The Order of the Posion Oak
The Last Chance Texaco
Occupation: Student
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
3/29/2005
|
|
| I'm so lost right now. I'm forgetting who i am and what im here for. I feel like i'm falling down so fast, the only logical thing I can think to do is runaway, become a gypsy or hippie. I want to travel the US and the world. I think that if i can get away for a while maybe i'll be able to find myself. I dont even know who i am, what i like. I', just going throught he3 motions. Can't feel, dont eat, no emotions... only urges which of course i never act on. the only thing that gets me through each day is that i might have a chance to get drunk or smoke pot... and if i cant i start acting like a crack head and scrape my bowl for resin, then i get upset because i didnt get high enough... that is what i look forward to each day. how sad. maybe im just being extra dramatic right now. Im just hallow.
I only come to you xanga when im depressed or need to bitch about boys or some shit. I have no reason to be depressed, and not to get all emo but i hurt and i dont know where the fuck its coming from. i havent felt this way in a long time...
I came home for thankgiving.. its all i could look forward two the last 2 weeks. Things at school were just getting so stressful... friends are burning me down.. i hate to say it because i want to be there for them and help them.. all i want is for them to be happy. i would explain more more i havnt written here in so long that the names would pop out of nowhere. im just loosing with my friends at school, nothing seems to be good enough for them. money is tight of course i cant afford to go full time at school... im so close to being done and i can afford it. i have a plan but i hate plans so much. i hate planning my whole life... i dont want my life on a timeline. theres other little things that are building up. i come home so excited to be with my friends and away from the mess. but i feel like i just came home to a mess. i dont feel at home. it was great seeing my friends. i got together with some and we smoked pot for a few hours.... at first i thought to myself this is going so well.. but then the awkward set in.. and i felt like i became a vampire, maybe it was just the pot that made me feel that way. later we went for coffee at the redeye and i felt happy we were out and about. It was great but i felt like i was with zombies nobody really talked, just stared at each pretty much. I talked a little to aurora and sara mostly aurora. then we got booz and went to a party with other friends and random people. i drank a lot. i was really fucked up... not fucked up enough to black or puke. but i wanted to so badly. i wanted to just black out or puke so hard that i might feel other then what i was feeling.
i want to leave. i dont want to be home anymore or at school.. i dont feel like any of these places really are my home. sure there is people around that i love and need in my life but i cant handle anyone i can bearly handle myself.
| | |
| I'm getting ready to leave for school again this week. I have a lot to do. I don't know how i feel and i don't like it. I'm really sad that i'm leaving my friends and family and all i know again. I'm going to be leaving a large chunk of myself behind. At the same time i can;t wait to be out on my own again and back with my friends from school. This year is going to be different. A few of my friends wont be returning. Atleast i'll know some people this time. Unlike last year i didn't know anyone. I have to get used to living with 3 new male room mates. I;m not looking forward to that. I do know one of my roommates from last year, we had a class together. Hopefully this year will be better with roommates then last year. I guess i'll just have to wait and see.
Ben moved back from up state NY this week. I really hope i get to see him before i leave. It's been over a year since ive seen him. He's had such a large impact on my life, even though i only knew him for a little over a year before he moved.
I really dont want to leave my friends behind. I wish i could just pick them all up and move them with me. I know that isnt possible. They all have their own lives going on now, and i feel less and less apart of it as time goes on. It's hard for me to realize this because they are what shaped me into who i am. they meanmore then the world to me.
I've just had a large amount of different emotions going through me. It's all very overwhelming.
I'm not sure how my life is going to turn out. Weird thoughts have been filling my head. This summer has been a rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions running a muck. For a while i actually wanted to become a drug addict. Part of me still does. I just want something to live for and to wake up for everyday. Drugs isn;t a very good idea because it would take over my life so easily. I guess i just want to know what it means to want something so badly that you would do almost, if not everything, to get it. They seem new and exciting. Maybe its the attention i want from them. I just dont feel like im living anymore. Days are passing by and i dont notice. I forget what the day is... i'll think its thursday but its really monday. Everyday is like this.
I'm just a mannequin watching the world pass me by.
| | |
| Things have gotten better since my last freak out. I've been stressed but not to that extreme. Lately i've just been really agnry all of the time. Really angry. I'm not used to being so angry. I'm Used to being the happy go lucky person, even if i am upset i cant put on the face that ever one seems to like and then im fine. I haven't been sleeping very much so that could have something to do with it. Not that i cant sleep i just cant ever seem to get anough sleep. I'm always tired. Sounds dumb but im tired of being tired.
I'm really closed up right now. I don't say much about how im feeling to people anymore. They all have their own pain and shit to deal with and they dont need mine.
I really miss matt and just being away from home. I miss my visits to kzoo. They always seemed to help me escape from my fustrations. I miss teresa too. She has really turned into one of my best friends. Its weird, i never thought i'd be best friends or let alone friends with matt or teresa, or any of my friends for that matter. It all just sorta happened. I;m so glad it did.
I've been thinking about jordan a lot lately. I don't know why. I'm not upset with myself like i used to be when i thought about him. This is the time of the year that i would have met him so i guess it's the season bringing him to my mind. All of the good not the bad. Which is good i dont want to remeber the bad anymore. I got the courage or impulse to talk to him. We didnt talk for long. I just want to say hi and see how he was doing, so thats what i did, then i ended the conversation. I didnt want it to get weird or anything. Oddely enough i still wasnt to be with him. BUt i dont know him anymore, and If i even did get him what would i do? I dont think it would be anyhting like i've dreamed. Things are fine this way i think. I know i want to be with him and i want to be friends but i know it wont so that is that, and im ohkay with it. The memorizes are enough.
| | |
| Its been a while. Too long this time. I really have been needing to vent. express. idk. I've had a lot going on in my mind. Not good things. I've had a few scares the last month or so. Very bipolar is the best way to put it. Maybe i need medication. I cant even express how i feel or whats been going through my head. Just everything is building up and im not happy. One min. i'll be on top of the world, dancing and singing and the next i'll hate everything i see and i feel so low to the ground.
I dont like talking about it because i dont want people to worry. all my friends have so much going on in their lives i dont want to add to that. What scared me the most is what happend one night. I was driving home from a friends i was happy and in a great mood then all of a sudden i got extremely depressed. i've never felt like this before. I was driving down a dark road.. i cant even express how bad i felt. no words could. But what scared me was i almost drove myself into a ditch. I didn't want to be, i didn't want to exist anymore. I wanted to get rid of all the shit and stress out of my mind. drugs weren't working anymore i guess. I wanted to cry so badly. But of course i couldn't. Which made it worse. i think i managed a small tear no matter how hard i tried. I wanted so badly to be in that ditch. broken. sounds emo... but this isn't normal for me, not what so ever. I dont know what came over me. I've only told 2 friends. One cared i know she did. and the other. well she didn't say much and seemed like she brushed it off. I know she has felt that way before and i thought that if i told her she might be able to understand and help me work through it. but no. she wasn't there for me. it really hurt because we have been through so much together. I dont want to talk everyone because thats dumb. I dont want pity from people. Or that kind of attention. I just want to be okay, happy. I guess i just felt so stuck.
I;m better now then i was. I went on a road trip with some friends to Illinois to see No Doubt. it was amazing by the way. On the way home when everyone was sleeping i was starting to have that feeling again. I tried distracting myself so i would listen to music and try to change my thoughts. The i started talking to my room mate Conor. And we were talking about my smoking pot which has been everyday for since i got home from school.[about a month or more] but he said one thing to me. "just dont die" or " just dont kill yourself". i forget which he said to me but then it happened. i cried soo hard. everyone was sleeping thank god and i was in the back seat and it was really dark so i dont think he saw me but i think he noticed because he asked if i was okay and i just said i was fine and really tired. I didn't want to worry him or talk about it because i dont really know how to express it correctly. this post isn't even doing it justice. It felt good... mostly. and i've been feeling a little better since, but i still feel like im going to break down again. I've almost done it at work randomly or with friends, but i always stop myself before i let it take control of me.
I now have another major worry going on but i dont want to post about it right now because im not sure what it is yet. But i know i have to go to the Doctors and make sure im doing alright, I just hope its not what i think it is.
I've also been very nostalgic recently. Just thinking about middle school and high school and all the befores and afters and in betweens. I miss a lot of things, but im glad i have so many great memories. I got excited about the future for the 1st time in a long time yesterday. I cant wait to move away and open my Cafe. Im scared but its the good kind of scared, the excited kind of scared.
I want to keep writing but im not sure hwat to write about now. There are things that have happened that i could talk about, like school and my friends and things we did at college. but i feel its not a waste of time writing it or not that its not important. Idk what lol. i just know i cant wait to go back to school, even though things are going to be different because of some friends not coming back.
Suppose thats all i have to say right now.
| | |
| I finally see what the world is. I don't believe i should share this, so i'll only explain some. I have met those who are questionable. Our paths have met when they were supposed to. It is only time before our paths reach its peek. From there it is unknown what shall happen. It my sound crazy, but the world as we know it is going to change. I believe there will be a second change. This change has not been predicted as far as i know. But i believe the Antie Christ will come. Who it is, is still a question. Sound crazy
| | |
|
